I am entering my 3rd month of living the majority of my days in silence. I thought it would get easier, but today I had a really tough day.I would probably call it a set-back. But one of the things that I know is that set-backs actually propel me forward. To escape the mess, I was going to go out and have dinner, even though I have food in frig to cook, because I couldn't bear one more minute alone with myself. Knowing that I was trying to escape is what kept me inside, cooking and reflecting on how "I" threw myself off center. I got myself worked up and in a tissy. Moved right out of the present moment to get annoyed and down right pissed off at Verizon. I have been trying to pay my bill, on line, for the past 5 days, and every time I try to log in, the "connection" times-out because Verizon's server is taking too long to respond. On Saturday, I chatted online with a customer rep. who told me my problem was that I hadn't migrated my account over to the new system. After spending 30 minutes on chat with her, trying to migrate my account over, I am told that my account has already been migrated. I had sense enough that day to call it quits after that revelation and try again another day. So today was that day. 57 minutes on the telephone 2 disconnects, 4 service representatives, 2 mis-connects (I was connected to Verizon in California, when I should have been connected to Verizon in Pennsylvania, Residential service when it should have been Business). As soon as I am ready to give the last service rep my payment information, call disconnected. Now I am not only uptight, I'm pissed to the Nth degree. Of all people, I should know what workplaces are like, especially Verizon, whose workers have been complaining about how working for Verizon has gone from pleasant to a virtual hell. But I know this, and I know that my experience had the potential to drive me up the f#@king wall, i.e., out of silence and out the door. I didn't do it.
Instead, I prepared kale with garlic, onions and pasta. I sat myself down and quietly took my meal. When I finished, and as I took my plate to the sink, I remembered a line from
A Course in Miracles, that says something like, "you are not really angry for the reasons you think. It's far deeper than this." In other words, I was simply using Verizon as a punching bag. And I had to come to terms with what I was really pissed about, and it wasn't pleasant because, as always, I was angry with my Self. Why?
Because this "living in the present moment" ain't fucking easy, and the returns on the work is just not what I expected. So what did I expect? I expected to make up my mind that I wanted to do this and for it to happen instantaneously. In other words, I wanted time suspended. Sometimes I have a hard time coming to terms with having chosen this experience, "spirit in form." Which brings me to the reason why I made the decision to stay in, and allow this experience to move through me: I want to be done with the separation. Now. I don't want it lurking around some dark corner, lying in wait to have its way with me. So, in short, I appreciate the four representatives at Verizon for holding me on the line for 57 minutes and allowing all of this to come to the surface.
57 minutes is not long at all to make progress that would have otherwise taken one hundred years. I consider that a high yield. And I can do it again. All I need do is to stay "connected."
